LDOC: Tears For All the Wrong Reasons

Last semester I wrote a post about LDOC; the last day of class. I had always planned to write something about my last day of college class, but right now…I just don’t know what to say. This is about to be a messy stream of consciousness piece but that’s ok with me because my thoughts and feelings are a mess. Today is my last day of class as well as my last day of college. LDOC is a day we look forward to as students. It means we completed another semester of hard work and is a day for celebrating that. Spring LDOC is a campus-wide party. But not this time. I have been dreading this LDOC because it just doesn’t feel like it means anything. It’s just another day inside at home going through motions that are nothing like real life.

I walked out of my bedroom this morning, saw my graduation dress and cap and gown on its hanger, and I cried. I cried knowing I won’t change out of sweatpants and a t-shirt today. I cried looking out the window wishing the rain ruining the LDOC weather was my biggest concern. I always expected to cry a lot this week and month. But I had expected to cry out of love, accomplishment, and happy memories while surrounded by friends and family. Instead I’ve been staring at the ceiling alone every night, tearing up about how the moments I looked forward to for four years are passing by, leaving me with nothing but empty days and sadness.

This is a huge life transition that simply doesn’t feel like it’s happening to me. I can feel the denial in the back of my mind that is still looking forward to events and traditions that are never going to happen. I can feel the people and places of college slowly slipping away after a month of no contact and no memories made. I don’t know how I’m going to move on from this feeling. I wish I had a silver lining to share about what the loss of all this taught me, but I don’t. I am just so sad.

Today was supposed to be bittersweet. Instead it was simply sad and honestly heartbreaking.